There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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