$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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