my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
