the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize