brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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