i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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