My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
