my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize