PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
