Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
