im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize