You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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