chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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