Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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