I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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