i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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