I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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