Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
