mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
