i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
