I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So. Much. Porn.
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