I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
