Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
