everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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