dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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