the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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