just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
