I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
