dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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