you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
