I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize