Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
