I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
