every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
