New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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