If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
