You just made me feel so damn special
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
