I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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