just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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