Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
