I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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