No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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