Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
