She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize