I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
