I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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