You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
