Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
