Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
