I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize