so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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