You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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