Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That accounts for only three of the penises
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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