Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize