I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize