apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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