i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
